Fantasy Football: Roster Analysis for My Dallas League

I play in two fantasy football leagues. My Dallas league has been in existence for six glorious seasons and there has not been much owner turnover. I always do an annual predicted order of finish with some roster analysis just for the love of Fantasy Football. The main goal is to fire some people up so they will make a bunch of transactions. Lots of transactions mean more money for the winning owner and I figure that pays for my Christmas gifts for 2009. Good luck and enjoy:

12. Walton’s House of Pizza – Showering and changing diapers during your Fantasy draft is usually a sign that you are just not into this league. This guy just has so much going for him right now—great family, sweet job, Kenyon Hall of Fame induction. Really, I did not even look at the roster and just made the team finish in last place out of spite and jealousy. I am not a believer in DeAngelo Williams, Thomas Jones, or LenDale White. Fasano could score two touchdowns or have 1 catch on any given Sunday. This receiving corps worries me. The only bad part of this whole deal is I know that the owner is not going to make 10-15 transactions trying to get better. Playoffs? Say the word in your best Jim Mora impersonation.

11. DRock – Please take 10-15 seconds and upload a helmet logo for this great team name! You could go with the logo for the Greenhill Lady Hornets. I like the strategy of taking top tier wide receivers early on, and I would have taken Fitzgerald if you had not drafted him right before me, but after the first two rounds did you take a few OxyContin? Your quarterbacks are suspect and your running backs are hopes and dreams. Kind of like you’re your old roommate’s love life. Benson should have a good year, but he has never rushed for a 1,000 yards in his career. He is one alcohol binge and boat ride on the Ohio River from ruining your whole season. The great thing for the other owners in this league is that you are going to have to make about 23 transactions just to make it through the schedule. Playoff chance = none.

10. Rain City FC – Best helmet in this league by a wide margin, but how do you explain to school kids what happened in Brentwood that fatal night? I was waiting for this owner to draft Vince Young or Joe Gilliam in round 16, but that might have been over the top. Another year of McNabb as your starting QB? McNabb might be real life and fantasy football kryptonite. Very thin at running back and I absolutely hate your wide receiver corps except for Steve Smith. Eagles’ defense probably will not be the same either without the dearly departed Jim Johnson. Sorry, the owner’s smooth operator presence with the ladies of Seattle cannot get this team over the hump and into the playoffs. Is Seattle depressing?

9. Arrrrt – Very improved helmet team logo, but that name, ugh! I mean you are probably the most hip and happening guy at your high school, but who is the competition someone might ask. This team is by far the strongest you have ever had in this league. Rodgers, Barber, and starting wide receivers are studs. If A-Rodge stays healthy, he might lead the league in fantasy scoring. Solid running back depth. Tim Hightower might not produce a ton of yards, but he will get touches in the Red Zone. You have to be worried about your defense, back up wide receivers, and your kickers, but if you are relying on those guys as difference makers you would be in trouble anyway. This team is definitely a playoff contender.

8. Maurice Clarett Football Club – Remember when Clarett was leading OSU to a national title? Now, he is applying decals to road signs in the state penitentiary. I guess life can be worse. Nice pick of Jonathan Stewart in the late rounds. He seems to be getting healthier and will score some touchdowns. Brees is going to have a monster season. Solid duo of Tomlinson and Sproles, but running back looks like a weak spot if Tomlinson cannot carry the load and Philip Rivers refuses to pass him the football. A couple of former Ohio State wide receivers are great for leadership and locker room presence, but I might be worried about Santonio smoking joints in his car during the season. Brees makes you a contender for the playoffs, but if he gets hurt…

7. The Dawg Pound – Is this owner a Browns’ fan? I feel so badly for Browns’ fans that it is hard for me to right anything negative. Good thing because this roster is stacked with players. There are some big questions marks though: Does Steven Jackson care anymore? Is Tony Romo girl crazy again already? Will Brandon Marshall do anything this year or will he pout all year? Does Westbrook frustrate everyone by not practicing and then playing great on Sundays? Is Boldin happy or sad? Does Lee Evans wilt or flourish opposite Terrell Owens? Can Coach Rex Ryan duplicate his defensive touch with his new Jets’ defense? This team should be a playoff team, but I just came up with those questions in about 30 seconds. The answers might all be negative and that probably does not bode well.

6. Sherm-pups – The defending champion is the champ until someone knocks them off. Enjoy it young man. The Dude Abides. This roster is kind of like the Erin Andrews’ nude video for me. It looked better with its clothes on and when I undressed it the roster kind of fell short of my expectations. Warner had a magical season last year, but can he do it again? MJD is getting a ton of hype, but will he mail in games when Jacksonville starts losing? Jamal Lewis is old. Schaub is soft. Kellen Winslow is crazy—staph infection will do that to you. I like the Glen Coffee draft pick a ton, but will that win you many Fantasy games? Sherm-pups has the experience, coaching acumen, and downright orneriness to make a playoff run.

5. Laser Dick – Wearing two hats as an owner and commissioner is so difficult, so cut this guy some slack. I do wonder how Legally Blonde keeps getting the #1 pick year after year…must have incriminating photographs or something. Great picks at the end of the 1st round and beginning of the 2nd round. I also like Larry Johnson this year even though most people don’t. Who else do the Chiefs have? Oh yeah, you made a nice handcuff selection of Jamal Charles. Hated the Domenick Hixon pick, but you got great value from Chris Henry and Devery Henderson. Both those guys were on my “like” list. Having T.O. on any team is scary, but the women he dates on his reality TV show are very hot, so that balances things out. This team makes the playoffs.

4. Legally Blonde – This organization is like the Patriots. Very solid. Creative team name and cool helmet logo. Lost amidst the criticism of the selections at quarterback is that the owner had a superb draft. On the first play of the game Monday, Adrian Peterson took his first carry 75 yards the other night for a touchdown. Steelers’ defense is simply the best. Garrard was a top ten Fantasy QB in 2008. He is one of the few QBs likely to score rushing touchdowns. The two question marks have to be juggling the starting QB each week. All three are inconsistent and picking the right match up will be huge. Big Ben falsely accused without a doubt. Secondly, the back-ups are all young and unproven. They have big upside, but will they come through when Peterson misses three games with injuries? Peterson alone should get you to the playoffs.

3. Exxon Valdez – With a team name commemorating one of the worst oil tanker disasters in history, you might think this football club would sink after last season. Not so fast my friend. The Exxon roster is probably the deepest in the league. Brady is back. I like Matt Forte a ton. He might score about 20 TDs this year. Late round picks yielded a ton of value at the receiver positions. I was hoping to get Lance Moore at some point. Plus, I think Derrick Ward is going to have over 1,000 yards this year for Tampa Bay. Greg Jennings is vastly underrated in Fantasy. If this team does not make the playoffs, you cannot blame the GM. Blame the coach.

2. MK in Buckhead – Please come up with a new team name to match your sweet helmet. Here are some choices—Lebanese Lovers, Beirut Boys, Real Estate Warriors. All that you need to know about the unpredictable nature of Fantasy Football is that MK was the runner-up in last season. Looking at this roster, there is no doubt in my mind that MK is taking HGH or that he hired a Fantasy Football draft consultant. His Brandon Jacobs pick from two years ago would have been great this season. Wow, this is an explosive looking team. I like Matt Ryan, Ocho, Andre, Owen Daniels, Leon Washington, Anthony Gonzalez, Shiancoe (very large if you know what I mean), Percy Harvin, and Michael Bush. This roster is stacked. What could possibly go wrong? Possibly, a title contender.

1. Super Steelers – It is hard for me to be objective here, but this helmet is unmatched in professional sports. I have never like Peyton Manning, but this year the Colts’ signal caller is flying so far under the radar that I expect him to have a monster season. The Colts are going to have trouble scoring rushing TDs which should make Manning’s value even higher. Some might question the running backs on this team, but Brandon Jacobs is staring at a 15 touchdown season. Do not forget that last year after 10 games the Giants were the highest scoring team in the NFL. Jacobs should pick up some yards from the departed Derrick Ward as well. I hate the Ravens, but these guys always score defensive TDs. The whole key to this team might be whether or not Chris “Beanie” Wells shows up this year. I am pretty confident. Look for this team in the Kellen Winslow Friendship League Championship Game.